Montreal is an incredibly diverse city; filled with people from different cultures, different walks of life. However, there is one one thing everyone has in common; they all know how to solve whatever ails the Montreal Canadiens. Look I know, that Price has been all multiverse this year, and the power play is less effective than whatever the hell they use to fill in potholes in this city. I know Therrien seems too conservative and the Habs’ “analytics” suck. But, despite battling for top spot in the league, despite having a Norris candidate on defense, a potential 40 goal scorer, a two way dynamo at C, some young and exciting players…the natives are still restless.
Not much you can do about the attitude of the masses…just hit your local watering hole and have a pint…
…Now I’ve chronicled the different types of fans that you’ll see walking the streets of Montreal before. Taking that idea and my penchant to occasionally sauntering around the city to watch Habs games with the millions (and millions) of Habs fans around this city. I’d like to take it from the view of the average pub goer; I’d like to recap the different type fans that you’d encounter at the local pubs, sports bars, and restos around the city. We’ve all had an encounter with one, or two, or all of these amazingly different, somewhat depressing, but ultimately fascinating Habs fans.
1) the “Coach”
This is perhaps the most fascinating fan, as they are unaware of the fact that they actually can’t be heard through the technology of the TV. These loyal, die-hards are constantly yelling at the TV, giving instruction, and turning to their bar patrons to dole out criticism. All while violently gesturing at the TV with their pint glass.
“Coach” phrases overhead at the bar:
“Awwwww man!…What are you doing putting Eller out there again!?”(Note: If Eller scores, the Coach will loudly say “I told you Eller was going to get one there, eh?”)
“Cycle guys…awww man…guys…you need to cycle…Cyc…what the hell is Desharnais doing!?…CYCLE!!”
“F’n Pacioretty…and his stupid eyebrows…you had 39 goals last year!!..what are you doing passing the puck!?”
2) the “Tweeter”
Social media is a wonderful tool that allows fans to get live updates, extra details, and all sorts of stats during a game. It’s also allowed fans a soap box to post their reaction to any moment of the game. The Tweeter is often found face illuminated by his smart phone, as he furiously types about the latest decision from Therrien or a significant part of the game. These hashtag maestros also tend to miss portions of the game due to their inability to not let the online world know their very important opinion. Once in a while you encounter the Elite Tweeters, these rare birds are a sight to behold as their eyes are fixated on the TV, yet their thumbs look like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix.
“Tweeter” phrases overheard at the bar:
(Note: mainly heard is the sound of furious typing and clicking noises)
“DD still getting more PP time than Eller? #therrienbeingtherrien #freeeller #nomorehobbits #habs”
“Habs #fancystats are brutal once again. #firetherrien #hockeynerd #corsithis #fenwick4life #getdownwithPDO #yeahyouknowme #MBhireme #imavailable”
“HOLY SAVE BATMAN! AND BY BATMAN I MEAN CAREY PRICE. #wow #habs #vezina #hart #batman #iamthenight”
3) the “Napkin Ripper”
Also known as the “Beer Label Shredder”, and the “Drink Coaster Destroyer.” This nervous nelly spends most of the game with their eyes fixated on the TV, while their fingers are working with the dexterity of a Patrick Kane deke. Often caught muttering mumbled phrases under their breath; these origami flunk outs also tend to be very pessimistic about the Habs chances regardless of how they are playing. They form a mountain of trash at their seat that doubles as a pile of tissue for them to bury their face in should the Habs suffer a heart breaking loss or an emotional victory.
“Napkin Ripper” phrases overheard at the bar:
“…please Saint Maurice lets us win…omg…I’m so nervous.”
“Umm, excuse me…I need another coaster.”
“Damn you Tampa Bay!!!” (Note: this is followed by bits of paper being flung in the air like confetti…and tears.)
4) the “Bait and Switch” guy.
This is the guy at the bar who dressed up like super fan: Habby McHabertson. You take a seat next to this guy; you know you got a loyal Habs buddy to go through the ups and downs of a game…or so you thought. The Bait and Switch guy or BS guy as I like to call him, isn’t a real Habs’ fan – he simply dresses like one. A shyster, who is seeking bar friends. The BS guy is quickly revealed – not really knowing anything about the game, and even worse not giving a shit about the outcome. Be weary of the BS guy, if his Habs gear looks a little fresh, and he’s drinking a Smirnoff ice, approach with caution.
“BS Guy” phrases overheard at the bar:
“Hi, big game tonight eh!? Oh yeah…who we playing again? The Nordiques?”
“Is Halak starting tonight?”
“…and yeah, so as I was saying – the paint in the bathroom started peeling…oh it’s overtime? Ok I’ll wait to tell the story…” (Note: at this moment there is also a high probability of the BS guy being punched in the cornea.)
5) the “Out of Towner”
These poor folks fall into two camps: those who are aware of the
utter hatred love affair the city has with the Habs, and those who don’t know anything about hockey. Most of the time these curious foreigners get swept up in the madness that is Montreal hockey fandom. I have to note the inclusion of the “out of town hockey fan” – they are here to cheer on their team and disparage everything about the Habs and the city. Occasionally, depending on how many beers they’ve had, they end up failing to grasp the utter madness that grips the people of Montreal and end up getting kicked down a giant Montreal sinkhole while some fan yells “THIS IS SPARTABERNAC!”
“Out of Towner” phrases overheard at the bar:
“Eh lad, can we put it on the football game? Real football though mate…”
“Well I’ll be, y’all are crazier than a Brahma bull fighting a Texas rattle snake!”
“Montreal sucks!!! Let’s go Bruins! (Note: Fight breaks out.)
“Montreal sucks!! Toronto rules man. Next year man, Leafs all the way.” (Note: Laughter breaks out.)
6) the “Barfly”
This poor “regular” who’s favorite watering hole gets commandeered by loud, obnoxious, younger fans during the playoffs. While the good ol’ Barfly just wants to get to his seat and order his Labatt Blue. He is forced to shove through throngs of Habs’ jerseys, t-shirts, caps, and jackets – all so that he could find some young fan in her tied off Price tee, yapping with some BS guy wearing an old Kovalev jersey he borrowed from a friend’s closet. This curmudgeon mutters under his breath and finds another stool to watch the game from, and although it offers a better view of the TV, it is never as good enough as “his” seat.
“Barfly” phrases overheard at the bar:
“Merde…stupid kids, not even watching the game.”
Any phrase that starts with “Back in the old days…”
“Who farted?…oh it was me. Maybe that’ll shoo away the kids…ha!” (Note: when the young lady looks around to see who dealt it, the wily Barfly will point at the BS guy and make a face.)
7) the “Friend”
This is that poor sap who was dragged to the bar by their Hab loving friends, with promises of free beers and a fun night after the game is over. These stool fillers are there to drink, occasionally pay attention, and will spend an inordinate amount of time outside smoking, or playing games on their smart phone.
“Friend” phrases overheard at the bar:
“Bro, are we doing Bueno Notte after this? Bro?…Bro!? Pay attention to me.”
“Who’s winning? Is it over?…Who wants a smoke? Some fresh air eh? Let’s go boys.” (Note: he goes alone)
“Yo Bro…who won the Stanley Cup in 2011? I need this sports crown to beat this stronzo at Trivia Crack”
8) the “Shoot!” guy
The Shoot! guy is a devolved, drunker version of the Coach. The Shoot! guy also shares the inability to discern that his voice doesn’t resonate through the time space continuum to reach his intended target. These
infamous famous and loud fans are well known in all hockey towns, They take their passion for yelling “shoot!” from the arena, to the bar, to their basement.
“Shoot! guy” phrases overheard at the bar:
“Shoot Tabernac!” (French Shoot! guy)
“Shoot you f@$&er!” (English Shoot! guy)
“Shoot Malaka!” (Greek Shoot! guy)
“Shoot Stronzo!” (Italian Shoot! guy)
“Shoot ya khara!” (My Dad and I)
“…Shooootyamuthassshitassmalakfckstickyourface…zzzzzzz” *passes out on bar* (Drunk Shoot! guy)
“…eh bartender… … …Shots!!” (Temporarily sober Shoot! guy)
Any other Hab pub goers I missed? Let me know in the comments below or give me a follow @wolverine_z.
Till next time.
Go Habs Go.